On Monday at 2:15 pm I posted that I was starting a blog.

At 2:16 pm my anxiety kicked in. I wanted to change my mind and delete it all. I could see and hear it all in my head:

People screenshotting my post and texting it to someone “of course she did… #eyeroll”

“Oh great… now we can hear more about God and all the “great” things. #annoying”

“Who does she think she is?”

“She just wants to be famous…good luck” (I don’t to be clear)

“YAY! Another blog to NOT read! “

Stop it.

Caught off guard by how panicked I felt, I actually flipped to my heart rate monitor on my watch to see just how ridiculous this was. The only perk to my racing heart was maybe burning a few extra calories. I closed my computer, pushed my phone away and grabbed my journal. “God, what is happening? Why am I so freaked out about this? My confidence is in You, not others’ opinions. Please use this for your glory.”  

Have you ever done or not done something because you were afraid of what people would think or say? All the stinkin’ time! This blog and many other things would have happened much, much sooner if my own insecurity wasn’t an issue. Naturally, I am a fearful person. Always have been. Do you know what exacerbates that? Being critical.

A while back I found myself in the mode of constantly looking for the bad in things and people. It was a pretty awful place to exist, not gonna lie. It snuck up on me because I could make it funny. So was it critical if people were laughing?  I cringe as I admit to it. We all do it…or so I thought. There are TV shows geared to laughing at someone else’s expense. No big deal! That is until I found myself wanting to do things but being paralyzed by my own judgment and insecurity. I had become enslaved and paralyzed by my own criticism. James 4:10-12 tell us to be humble and not judge others. I was failing at this and it backfired! “If I put myself out there people will destroy me behind my back!”

Staaaaahhhhhhppppp IT!

“You are seriously the most insecure person I have ever met.” burned my ear through the phone. Ouch. I didn’t even realize how out of control it was! My insecurity had spiraled into poor decisions and was leaving a path of destruction in relationships. I needed to just jump off the crazy train, tuck and roll style. I read books about insecurity and became a hermit for a while. It hurt and I didn’t walk away unharmed. My heart, my pride… all the things wounded.

The clouds of guilt and shame have since parted. I enjoy people, social events and life in general so much more now. The one opinion that matters most is God’s. That’s not to say my anxiety and these bad habits don’t try to take me down once in a while. But I am aware now, and I ask forgiveness as soon as I realize it. The more I learn about who God is the more peace I have about who I am. He’s got this, my job is to share Him in an honest, noble, pure, lovely, and admirable way. The peace follows. (Phil 4:8,9)

So invite that person to coffee, plan a dinner with friends, go to that small group. If someone is on your heart or mind… reach out. Just go in with a humble heart and walk away without criticism. Let me tell you the joy that comes when you realize God used you for good. It’s priceless.

Phil 4:8,9 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is love, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

James 4:10-12 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you. Don’t criticize one another, brothers and sisters.