I took a deep breath of relief today.

My natural inclination when doing a Bible study is to relate and try to apply before actually considering context and history. I am thankful for authors like Jen Wilkin who cause readers to first learn what the Bible says, then apply. It’s been a challenge and refreshing at the same time to remove my today-self from the picture as I study God’s word. It’s not about me and I like it.

The study we are doing right now at church is on The Book of Genesis, and we’ve spent weeks focused on Abraham and Sarah. I’ve learned so much! At the same time, the story of their infertility has weighed heavy on me. I found myself feeling shame for not having enough faith like they did. This was not a new feeling as I’ve questioned the strength of my faith in 20/20 hindsight of our own journey. When it came up about the shame Sarah must have felt when she realized Hagar was pregnant that she, in fact, was the problem, it hit me hard. I too am the problem of our infertility. Even as I type “I am the problem” I cringe…

Let me rewind a bit, my name is Bethany and I’m infertile. My husband, Karl and I struggled for 2 years to get pregnant and then suffered 2 miscarriages before having our oldest. I ran an infertility support group for Southeastern Wisconsin for many years and still keep tabs on these special women. Being an “Infertile Mertyle” was bittersweet. You form an incredible sisterhood with the ladies in your group, but once you have the desire of your heart, Things change. Nine years later I’m still friends with many of them. If you are struggling… find a support group or start one! I will save the details for another day, but my outlook changed so much when I took the energy from my anxiety and used it to bless others. That’s where God showed me joy in sorrow!  

Anyway, today in our study we kept on with Abraham & Sarah. Jen Wilkins kicked off her talk by addressing those with infertility and how we should take a deep breath. Instantly, my eyes were wide with attention. She went on to say that Sarah’s story is about the children of God, not something to use to shame ourselves with a lack of faith. We are not to compare ourselves to this situation because it’s not the same. God used them to show his power by miraculously giving them Isaac. Jen also addressed those who speak into infertiles lives, to not tell them they can’t have children because of their lack of faith and they should be more like Sarah. By now I have a massive lump in my throat and am desperately trying to hold it together. The shame began to melt away. The pressure melted away. I took a deep breath like she said and thanked God for His timing.

See, last month I got 48 hours of my own version of a miracle. It’s been 5 years since I’ve had a positive pregnancy test. Out of nowhere on January 14th I had one. I had not been feeling like myself for a couple of weeks and even Karl questioned my sanity. (Haha…. Not the first time)  The dear man even took a video talking to me because I was acting so strange, and he wanted me to see it. 🙂 So I took test after test and they were negative. Eventually, I had had enough and vowed one more test and then I’m off to the dr because this is ridiculous.

SWEET MERCY – IT WAS POSITIVE!

Jaw to the floor.

I stood there stunned. I’ve never gotten pregnant without meds and IUI’s, so this was uncharted territory. My mind was spinning! On one hand, I was freaked out of my mind. I was content with our family as it is. On the other hand, I could NOT WAIT to shout God’s praises of how only He could have done this. I’ve tried all the things to get pregnant …lose weight, essential oils, foods, exercise, supplements… the list is sadly long. Nothing had ever worked and at this point of life, I wasn’t doing anything to try to make it happen! It was 100% Gods glory to have and no other reason could be given. After a blood test confirmed that I was pregnant, I packed up the test and wrapped it in a cute boys Cedarville onesie that I’d been hoarding after hi-jacking it from clothes my sister in law donated a LONG time ago. (sorry Kelly ;)) I drove to Karls office, asked him to meet me out in the car and handed it to him. He was stunned. I’d never had the chance to stun him with the news because it was always so planned out and terrifying. SO this was fun for me! I knew better than to get my hopes up, but when I woke up 2 days later feeling great, my heart sank. I’d felt this exact way before… PTSD set in and I dragged myself to another blood draw only to find out the numbers had dropped and I would miscarry. My mind was spinning yet again!

WHY?! What was the point of this?!  

WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

A friend told me it was like a door that I thought was closed and locked had opened …and then slammed… on my fingers. Exactly.  

I wanted so desperately to have a story to show God’s “BIGness”!!! I grieved the chance to shout it from the rooftops until His waves of peace and joy in sorrow washed over me. Instead of raving about this human blessing coming my way, I can rave about the fact that he gifted me peace and an unexplainable closeness to Him. My heart aches for those who don’t know Him,  walking around in this world hurting when God is ready and willing to walk with you and hold your hand. Please… seek Him. Pursue Him. I cannot tell you how mind-blowingly BIG and awesome our God is. My own mind can’t wrap around it. Ask me anything and if I don’t know I’ll seek it out with you! You won’t be sorry.

I have a song for everything. This is my song that I had on repeat during it all….